Rule #6: Men's Departments Are Designed by Morons

We all have times when we feel insecure about various parts of our existence.  "I sound like a fucking moron today."  "My hair looks like shit (a problem I've not had to deal with for a while now)."  "I feel my place in the universe could be better manned by a semi-trained chimpanzee with a social disorder."

But whenever my insecurity manifests itself as "I don't feel that smart" I remedy it by going to the men's section of a department store.  Two minutes there and I feel like a genius.

I'm not going to complain about the questionable fashions, the staff who make the Tea Party look like Rhodes Scholars, or the decor.  The specific complaint here is how the clothes are laid out.

If you are looking for shirts or pants, the Mensa members who organized the department have decided to put the clothes on the shelves in ascending order by size.  So, they have put the smaller sizes on the top, and the bigger sizes on the bottom.

This means that the men with 32" inseams or sleeves, whom we can assume are between 5'0" and 5'8", have to stand on their tiptoes to look at the merchandise.  Meanwhile, those of us with 36" inseams and 37" sleeves (if you want the rest of my measurements send me a message - Christmas is coming!), who range from 6'0" to Shaquille O'Neal, have to squat down on the filthy, thin carpet desperately hoping to find a pair of Dockers that fit.

The worst part of this?  EVERY department store does it!!!  Not ONE has figured out to put the tall people's clothes at the top, and the smaller people (is "short" a derogatory term?) on the bottom.

I dunno - maybe they just like making all of us look like a mediocre circus act with no rigging, net, or tights.  It makes more sense than thinking that no one's figured this out.  Right?

The only thing I've seen that makes less sense than this was at a hotel in the Poconos in the mid-90s.  I was doing a stand-up show out there, and to kill time before we went on I loitered in the hotel gift shop.  They had movies for rent there.  And they arranged them so that the kiddie vids were on the top shelf, and the porn was on the bottom - right where the kids could see it.  Which I can assume led to scenes like this: