Rule #19: Morning People are Sick AND Evil

The 20th Century's Messiah, Bill Hicks, was right as usual when he discussed the issue of sleep.

“God help me. I'm so tired. I need my sleep. I make no bones about it. I need eight hours a day, and at least ten at night. . . .”

Now, a lot of people will read that and say "what a lazy sack of shit.  What a waste of the day, and of life."

These people are "morning people," and we need to hunt them to extinction.

You know he'll do it if we just tell him

that Karl Marx was a morning person

Of course, I'm exaggerating for comic effect.  We don't need to hunt and kill every single morning person.  But, like deer in NJ, we should thin the herd a bit to allow the survivors to thrive, and allow the rest of us to get on with our goddamned lives without their reproach.

Here's the deal.  I believe that being a morning person, or a night person, is a fact of birth.  I was born at 2:30 in the afternoon—that's when the day starts.  Some people were born at 6:30 in the goddamned morning—that's when their day starts.  And that's fine.

However, I don't tut tut when someone tells me "I'm usually in bed by 10:30."  Or call them at 11pm after they've said that, and then think they have a problem since I woke them up.  I don't do that.

Morning people?  They have NO PROBLEM telling you how you are wasting "the best parts of the day" and how you are to blame when they don't respect your hours.

Here is your typical conversation between me and a morning person.

Morning Person:  You should get up earlier!  At 5 this morning I got up, ran 3.46 miles, came back, cooked and ate an egg-white omelet, finished my tax return, showered, and bicycled to work.

Me:  That's nice.  At 5 this morning I woke up, rolled over, and went back to that dream where I was getting a blowjob from Megan Fox.

Fake this vs. real jogging is NOT a contest

If the world is divided into morning and night people, let's look at who they are and decide which ones we'd rather spend time with.

       Morning People                                                                        Night People
       Milkmen                                                                                     Bartenders
       Paper delivery boys                                                                    Pizza delivery men
       Stock traders                                                                               Athletes
       Bugle players                                                                              Saxophonists
       Telemarketers                                                                              Phone sex operators

  Again, is this really a contest?

And, if you need any more proof, consider that no sporting events start before noon local time (except for the occasional playoff game in the Central or Pacific timezones, and those don't really count).

So, a simple truce with the Morning People.  Don't bug me about sleeping until noon, and I won't bug you about having hours one normally associates with farm animals and those who tend them.  You don't call me at 6 am, I won't call you at 3 am.  You don't try to schedule a meeting with me at 7 am, and I won't suggest we meet for a pre-dinner drink at 9:30 pm.


If we compromise, respect each other, and schedule everything between noon and 4 pm, we should be just fine.