Rule #19: Morning People are Sick AND Evil

The 20th Century's Messiah, Bill Hicks, was right as usual when he discussed the issue of sleep.

“God help me. I'm so tired. I need my sleep. I make no bones about it. I need eight hours a day, and at least ten at night. . . .”

Now, a lot of people will read that and say "what a lazy sack of shit.  What a waste of the day, and of life."

These people are "morning people," and we need to hunt them to extinction.

You know he'll do it if we just tell him

that Karl Marx was a morning person

Of course, I'm exaggerating for comic effect.  We don't need to hunt and kill every single morning person.  But, like deer in NJ, we should thin the herd a bit to allow the survivors to thrive, and allow the rest of us to get on with our goddamned lives without their reproach.

Here's the deal.  I believe that being a morning person, or a night person, is a fact of birth.  I was born at 2:30 in the afternoon—that's when the day starts.  Some people were born at 6:30 in the goddamned morning—that's when their day starts.  And that's fine.

However, I don't tut tut when someone tells me "I'm usually in bed by 10:30."  Or call them at 11pm after they've said that, and then think they have a problem since I woke them up.  I don't do that.

Morning people?  They have NO PROBLEM telling you how you are wasting "the best parts of the day" and how you are to blame when they don't respect your hours.

Here is your typical conversation between me and a morning person.

Morning Person:  You should get up earlier!  At 5 this morning I got up, ran 3.46 miles, came back, cooked and ate an egg-white omelet, finished my tax return, showered, and bicycled to work.

Me:  That's nice.  At 5 this morning I woke up, rolled over, and went back to that dream where I was getting a blowjob from Megan Fox.

Fake this vs. real jogging is NOT a contest

If the world is divided into morning and night people, let's look at who they are and decide which ones we'd rather spend time with.

       Morning People                                                                        Night People
       Milkmen                                                                                     Bartenders
       Paper delivery boys                                                                    Pizza delivery men
       Stock traders                                                                               Athletes
       Bugle players                                                                              Saxophonists
       Telemarketers                                                                              Phone sex operators

  Again, is this really a contest?

And, if you need any more proof, consider that no sporting events start before noon local time (except for the occasional playoff game in the Central or Pacific timezones, and those don't really count).

So, a simple truce with the Morning People.  Don't bug me about sleeping until noon, and I won't bug you about having hours one normally associates with farm animals and those who tend them.  You don't call me at 6 am, I won't call you at 3 am.  You don't try to schedule a meeting with me at 7 am, and I won't suggest we meet for a pre-dinner drink at 9:30 pm.


If we compromise, respect each other, and schedule everything between noon and 4 pm, we should be just fine.

Rule #18: Riding a Bicycle Makes New Yorkers Colorblind

OK, quick quiz.  What does this mean?

75% of you who live in New York City will answer "stop."

The rest of you ride bicycles.  Or drive cabs.

In elementary school we were shown the movie Just Like a Car about bicycle safety.  I can still hear that stupid theme song.  The song, and film, taught us that we had to follow all the same rules as drivers did (except we didn't have to get inspected every year and had no backseat to throw our empty White Castle boxes into).

Apparently I'm the only one who remembers this.

Go to any intersection in this city, stand there for a few minutes (try not to look suspicious as Mayor Bloomberg has probably been monitoring your activities for the past 3.46 years), and watch what the bicyclists do at red lights.  If they aren't a snobbish blur passing you at Mach 1.  Something about cycling makes you see the color "red" as "green."

Physicists will tell you that when you travel fast enough objects will appear to change color, since your speed affects the vibration rate you perceive.  But, I'm guessing it's either colorblindness or just being entitled jerks.

I've discussed with with friends who ride.  One said that the traffic laws were "suggestions" for cyclists.  I stopped myself from seeing if he considered the law against pounding the shit out of someone to also be a "suggestion."

Another said she stopped "most of the time, or at least look before I go through."  WOW - there's a GREAT HUMAN BEING!  She LOOKS before she barrels through a crosswalk!  Why has the Nobel Prize committee overlooked this humanitarian for so long?

Damn, that's a low bar.

The worst, the FUCKING worst, happens in Central Park.  The bike path there has stoplights.  And crosswalks.  And thousands of assholes who spend their parents' trust fund on their bikes, helmets, gloves, Eurotrash shirts, $75 water bottles, and shorts that let you know their religion and/or labia shape.  Assholes who feel they have the right to hit 55 mph, get mad when you follow the rules on crossing (yes, I've had them yell "EXCUSE ME" when I was crossing WITH THE LIGHT and they zipped past), and have an air of entitlement that exceeds the one Republican candidates think women who want birth control covered by their insurance have.

This year's Tour De Douche leaders 

(and that does translate as "Race of Shower," but you get the idea)

I hear the same litany of complaints from bicyclists when I bring this up.

"Hey - jaywalkers are a danger to me!"  Yes, they are.  And I'm not defending people who break those laws (which, yeah, I do - SHUT UP).  But 1) you will hurt them more than they hurt you (most likely), and 2) someone else doing something wrong is not cover for you to do wrong (unless you're running for President, or in Kindergarten, or both)


"It's tough to stop that short when you're at speed."  OK, here's a thought.  SLOW THE FUCK DOWN.  You do NOT have a right (legal or otherwise) to try and break the land speed record on Park Avenue, the bike path, or even the FDR Drive.  I know you like to think you're in the Olympics when you're out there outracing a bunch of 5-year-old with training wheels, but you're not.  You're a Wall Street loser who attempts to feel better about himself by outracing a bunch of 5-year-olds.  DEAL WITH IT!!!!


"Stopping is a pain when you have clips on."  OK, here's a thought.  DON'T WEAR EQUIPMENT YOU CAN'T USE RIGHT!  If you can't stop because you're wearing those stupid shoes, don't wear those stupid shoes. 

The one they think, but don't say, is that since they are superior human beings for riding a bike they are allowed to do whatever they want.  Yeah, OK.  Fine. If that soothes your dead rotting soul, fine.

I understand the desire to push yourself, hit high speeds, show your mojo on the bike.  Here are two suggestion:  1) find a Velodrome; 2) take the train to NJ, LI, or Poughkeepsie, find some empty area, and do it there!

If you find this all too confusing, maybe this example of someone who is apparently smarter than a NYC bicyclist will help:

Thanks to her eidetic memory, Marilu Henner

can still recite all these lines and tell you what bra she was wearing

N.B. — NONE of this applies to the delivery guy bringing me my Atomic Wings.  He may break all laws, ride at any speed, run over anyone in his way, and use lethal force if necessary.

Rule #17: The BCS Makes Rick Perry Look like Stephen Hawking

Tonight, LSU and Alabama face each other in a rematch of their thrill-a-minute 9-6 overtime game in November.  But this game is the "national championship."

That's right.  Apparently the powers-that-be think we need to see a reply of the least-exciting OT game in football history.  And they expect us to watch it.

 Actual shot of a Nielsen family watching LSU-Alabama

Their tears have been Photoshopped out

And we will watch it.  We have to.  I wish we didn't, but we do.  We sports fans have to watch, or at least have it on in the background while we work/read/masturbate/do our taxes.  It is an addiction.

Division 1 football (or whatever the fuck they call it now) does not have a playoff.  Why?  The reason they keep shoving down our nacho-holes is they don't want to weaken the regular season.  They think that not having a playoff makes every week of the regular season a playoff.  You lose, you're out.

And yet we get a rerun for the "national championship."

Quick reminder - these folks work in higher education.  At least nominally.

 

If the regular season means so goddamned much then Alabama shouldn't be able to play in this game.  They've already lost to this team.  At home.  Without getting a TD.  And, without being able to beat a team that couldn't score a TD.

The BCS has, from time to time, made the exact right call for the title game.  They have the no-question #1 and #2 teams playing each other.

And every year this happens, its because there are two, and only two, undefeated teams.

How great is this system?  The only time it works is when there are only two undefeated teams.  What fourth grader COULDN'T come up with that system?!?

"Hey, Billy, that team, and that team, haven't lost.  Whaddya' think?"
"They should play each other - winner is the best."
"BRILLIANT!!!!!!!"

I want a playoff.  And it will be very simple.  And it will work.

Here's how it works.  8 teams.  The 6 winners from the 6 BCS conferences (or however many are left after the latest restructuring that has already given us 10 teams in the Big 12, 12 teams in the Big 10, and Boise State and San Diego State in the BIG EAST.  Again, remember, these folks are working in HIGHER EDUCATION), plus two other teams.  These two other teams CANNOT be from the 6 BCS conferences - you only get one team per conference (hence the regular season still means everything!).  AND, if a major team is undefeated, they MUST be included.  Three weeks of playoffs, one champion, life is good.  Happy Shaggy!

I think that puts the system up to the junior high level. 

You still keep the bowls, letting East-West Kentucky A&M State play St.Lady Gaga of Wisconsin in the Fleshlight C Battery Bowl, getting a TV audience of 0.25 and a live crowd of 75.  And their alums could enjoy the trip to Sheboygan.  And then get the hell out of the way as the winners play each other.

In the meantime, enjoy the game tonight.  You might need 7 Red Bulls to stay up for it, and 7 Wild Turkeys to enjoy it.  And, if you have those, do you really need the game?!?

Roll Tide!