Rule #16: "Saturday Night Live" ended May 24, 1980

Do I really need to saying anything else?

OK, fine, for those of you who weren't even alive then.  Saturday Night Live, or NBC's Saturday Night, was the funniest, and most important, TV show of the late 70s.  Lorne Michaels pillaged the National Lampoon Radio Hour and Second City Theaters (whose leftovers were so talented they created SCTV and had the 2nd funniest show on TV in the same timeperiod and for some time after) for actors and writers, gave them free reign and enough money to buy whatever drugs they saw fit, and set them loose at a time when no one was home watching TV (except maybe babysitters wondering when the fuck those parents were going to get home and why can't I get this liquor cabinet open).  And the world exploded.

 Even when they did sitcoms they were "Kate & Allie" and "Community"

For five seasons they defied taboos, infuriated censors, created characters and phrases that live to this day, and basically took over the planet.  Then, on May 24, 1980, they aired the last episode with the real cast and writing staff.

Everything after that has been a bad dream concocted through an evil stew of Lorne Michaels' ego, NBC's greed, viewer inertia, and a sweetheart deal with movie studios that makes even the worst idea a full-length feature.

"OK, here's the pitch.  It's about two guys who shake their heads...yeah, that's it."

Saturday Night Live  made it OK, or even cool, to be home on Saturday night from 11:30p to 1:00a Eastern time.  Now, that pale imitation in its time slot makes a case for the eradication of all life on this planet.

Of course, it's easy to take the best of the five years and compare it to the worst of what came after and say "this proves how much better it was."  But I think my friend Steve summed it up best sometime in the 90s when he said about the show "back in the day, you'd watch it and say 'it was great - there was one sketch that didn't work, however.'  Now you watch it and say 'it sucked - there was one sketch that wasn't bad, however.'"

To which I replied "then stop watching it."

The sad, simple fact is that NBC could air 90 minutes of a pile of shit slowly rotating, and so long as it had the name Saturday Night Live it'd get a good rating.  Conversely, a show that is 500x funnier put on in that same timeslot, but called anything else, wouldn't do as well.

And I sincerely believe NBC knows it.  So they just haven't bothered.  For 31 years now.

You can split the show's history into distinct eras.  And all but one of them will make you go "ugh."  Or, at best "well, it wasn't so bad."

Remember, these periods are the reason we have Jimmy Fallon with his own talkshow.  Think about it.  Jimmy Fallon.  Five nights a week.  And in commercials for some fucking bank.

These periods are why The Love Guru was made.

These periods gave us Will Ferrell's ass in 30 different movies.  You know your comedy is sad when the highpoint of your script is showing your ass.

These periods created Joe Piscopo.

They convinced Eddie Murphy he could do no wrong.

Rob Schneider.

David Spade.

And folks...these are considered the BEST they had to offer.  The Charles Rockets (RIP) and Victoria Jacksons of the world I will leave alone now.  They have to live in their infamy and shame.

At this point someone inevitably mentions Tina Fey to me.  Tina Fey is amusing.  That's about all.  I have yet to hear one brilliant, or even very funny, line from her.  She passes the time nicely; she's a soft-rock hit from the 70s that you don't need to hear more than once.

Yes, this is somewhat personal to me.  Saturday Night Live made me want to do sketch comedy (shameless plug for the sketch show I'm doing this month). I was asked once "is your goal to write for Saturday Night Live?"

No.  My goal is to write for the show that finally puts the fork in its dead, bloated carcass.

Rule #15: Romantic Love Proves My Atheism

For the first 12 years and 10 albums of its existence, the J. Geils Band produced high-energy, well played party rock that had the depth and insight one normally expects from a Republican governor of Texas.

Then, suddenly, in 1979, Peter Wolf was struck by an inspiration so profound, so universal, and so simple it boiled down to the two most honest words ever written in the English language.

The fact the there's a root canal in this video, and it

doesn't hurt as much as the subject, should tell you something

Apparently asking all those women to Give It To Me, Make Up Your Mind, and Take It Back didn't work out quite as well as he'd hoped.  Or, it could be that his divorce that year from Faye Dunaway had something to do with it.

As poignant and inspired as the chorus is, to me the genius comes from the opening verse.

You love her
But she loves him
And he loves somebody else

Every time two people get together there are AT LEAST two other people's hearts who have been broken because that couple got together.  Add to that the pain and suffering the couple will no doubt inflict upon each other and you've got four miserable people (again, at least).

 Women crying outside Paul McCartney's first wedding.

Not for joy.  And they got two more opportunities to relive this moment!

But isn't love wonderful?  That elated feeling, the bond with another human being, the sex, the passing fancy that there's another human being on the planet who gives a shit whether you live or die.

In a word, "no."

It WOULD be, if it existed in a vacuum.  In fact, when lovers seem to be the most happy is when they seal themselves off from the world around them.  "I feel like we are the only two people in the universe right now."

So, the perfect scenario for love is the last two people on Earth.  But, of course, so many women have told so many men (and men told women, and women told women, and men told men) that they wouldn't sleep with them EVEN IF s/he was the last man/woman on Earth, even that doesn't seem to be too hopeful.

Well, maybe some can find love in this circumstance

So, since the last two people on Earth doesn't seem to be a good love connection, what about the first two?  God created Adam, saw Adam was lonely, and instead of inventing ESPN, the Fleshlight, or beer, he created love.

God can be a real son of a bitch sometimes.

And you know how well this worked.  Paradise is, literally, lost.  They have two kids, one of whom is a smug bastard and the other kills him out of non-romantic jealousy.  The story has been used to say women are inferior and devious for centuries (well, they are, but so are men so it evens out).  And snakes have gotten a bad rap.

So, if we are to believe that God is a just and loving force, and he created love, we have reached the type of contradiction that philosophers, scientists, and Suduko solvers love.

Ergo, i.e., QED, shut up and listen - love proves God cannot exist.

Remember, you will be in, at most, only one romantic relationship that does not end.  And the only reason it won't end is your DEATH.

OK, maybe there is some hope